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Wednesdays After Workmy only free time for writing |
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23 November it's been too long......... I really don't have time to blog anymore. My life has become too busy. I need to slow down. I also haven't been blogging because I really don't have the need to now. Blogging and journaling were my outlets. Now Gabe has taken that position. Everything I need to talk about, I talk to him. Everything weighing on me, everything I struggle with, everything I need to vent about, everything I find joy in, everything I laugh about, everything I wonder about, everything..... I share with him. I've never had a closer friend. I've never found it so easy to talk to someone. I've never felt the desire and need to be so open with someone. It amazes me every day. Don't get me wrong, everything is not always beautiful and dreamy. We have our tough times. There are things that we don't understand about each other. For instance, Gabe simply cannot comprehend my need for "alone time." He is willing to respect that need and give me space when I request it, but he doesn't get it. I don't understand his desire for me to be brutally honest with him. I find it very difficult to tell him things about himself that I would not want to hear about myself. We both have annoying habits or pet peeves that we're continually discovering in each other. I'm having to adjust in many ways. We both are, really. He's not used to being responsible for another person or making decisions with someone else in mind. I'm not used to the way he handles things, his personality type is very different from my dad's. It takes time. As for wedding plans, we're not officially engaged yet. There's no ring, there has been no proposal. We do occasionally discuss ideas and gather information for when that does happen. We had hoped to be married by the end of this year, but that is obviously not going to happen. Situations have arisen that have not allowed that. It's hard to keep waiting, but it's worth it to both of us. He is the best part of my life and I'm so thankful for him. I feel very unworthy. Happy Thanksgiving and blessings to all! EJ 24 June vacationI had the opportunity to vacation for 2 weeks and visit Washington, D.C. and some surrounding areas. My brother and I went together and had such a wonderful time! Here are a few of my favorite pics from the trip......        EJ 08 June life goes on I can't believe I have been going so long between posts! I had hoped to have some news of wedding bells for you by now, but there have been setbacks. Gabe lost his job. He was layed off due to company downsizing. He put in applications every day for 3 weeks. Many places were on a hiring freeze, many simply didn't have any open positions. Gabe found out at the unemployment office that because he was layed off he could get help paying for college. So we had many long discussions and decided that he would go to college. He checked into several different schools and decided on a local community college and is now working towards becoming an RN. He has been out of school for 9 years, so it's difficult to get back into the swing of things. Several people have asked if we were going to wait to be married until after he graduates. During our discussions, we both agreed that we did not want to wait that long. We know that we have a long and difficult road ahead of us, but we are willing to face it.
EJ 17 April 2009 - the year of love? I am convinced. This year, 4 of my close friends (and most likely me) will be getting married. Two of those friends are in their early 20's, and 2 are 30 years old. One of the younger couples and one of the older couples both became engaged within 6 months of their first meetings. It amazes me when I think about it! All at once this is happening! It's crazy!!
And then a few days ago, something happened that I never saw coming. Gracie told me "I'm writing to a guy." My first thought was that it was a joke, she was making a joke about writing to someone who would probably turn out to be some old dude her family used to know or something. She's been finding alot of old friends on facebook, so this made sense. But she started laughing and acting giddy and I knew she was serious. For a long time, she has been very independent, very I-don't-need-a-man, very I'll-probably-never-marry. I was a little concerned because I knew that wasn't her true nature. I knew she was protecting herself. She had been hurt deeply by her dad when he left her mother after 30+ years of marriage and now finds it hard to trust. She had also become afraid of the idea of being in a relationship, getting to know a guy, opening up to potenial hurt, etc. I began to think she had talked herself out of the option of marriage because she would not allow anyone close enough. Then there were those rare times when she would sigh in frustration and say "If I had a husband, I wouldn't have to worry about doing this on my own! It would be so nice to have someone to take care of me!" So Gracie "introduced" me to this possible love interest. She read me parts of his letters, showed me his business website and his blog..... He is an amazing person, so perfectly suited to her! He lives out of state, but they have mutual friends. They will meet for the first time in July. She is exstatic! I've never seen her act that way over a guy, not in all the 15 years we've been friends! I am so truly happy that she has possibly found the one.
Yes, I'm convinced that this is the year for love.
 EJ 02 April how soon is too soon? As you have likely guessed, Gabe and I are talking marriage. No, he hasn't proposed. Yet. It's interesting because I never imagined it being this way. We're discussing wedding stuff before we're engaged! It just seems weird to me. We agreed that we do not want a long engagement. I told him that I needed probably about 6 months to plan a wedding without totally stressing out. He was hoping for something more like 3. We also agreed that we would like to be married sometime before the end of this year, though we're holding off on setting a date until we're actually engaged. Gabe wants me to go ahead and start picking things out, shopping, etc. right now. "It's that much you'll have out of the way when I propose to you, and then it won't take 6 months!" he says. It just seems strange to me to do that. Of course, I do have ideas in mind of what I want/like. But to actaully start planning a wedding before the proposal ever takes place??? I don't know........ He's not really adamant about it or anything, just kinda jokingly trying to convince me that it's ok. My roommate/best friend Gracie says go for it! She's so excited and ready to help! And the sooner I start planning, according to her, the less stressful the whole thing will be. My sister-in-law/best friend Elizabeth is much more hesitant. I'm not sure why. I think she tends to agree with me that it seems a little backwards.
Well, so far this is what I have picked out -
The dress is one I found while searching for hairstyles. It is the absolute perfect dress for me! However, I have yet to find it for sale. I've been searching online for weeks and haven't found one like it. I hope to at least find something similar. I would like to have a kind of fantasy/fairytale-ish theme. We're also planning to do an outdoor wedding. That's as far as I've gotten. I'd like to gather some ideas and inspiration, but just not sure how far to go on the actual planning. Maybe he'll just ask me to marry him real soon and I won't have to worry about that anymore. EJ 05 March love burns brighter than sunshine Yes, Melisa, life has been too good for me to check in. Life has also been very busy. With my schedule change, it's been very hard to find time to blog. I need to get a new computer for my house. I have to use my computer at the office for everything, and I really hate having to spend extra time at the office. Hopefully I'll be able to get one soon, and when I do I'll get internet at home. When I get internet at home, it'll be easier for me to find time to blog.
Where to begin......... My relationship with Gabe is truly wonderfully beautiful! It amazes me every day that anyone could be so happy. It is beyond my comprehension that it will only get better. I'm left speechless.
We said "I love you" to each other for the first time ever on Valentine's Day. We had agreed not to say it until we had given it alot of thought and prayer so it wouldn't be done too casually. We had also agreed that the first time must be in person - face to face - not on the phone or instant messenger or email, etc. I was ready a couple of weeks before that, but the right opportunity never would arise so I kept waiting. We had a date for Valentine's Day, and he walked me to my door afterwards. We were standing there on the porch. I started to hand him the gift I had for him and said "There's something I have to tell you before I give this to you." I looked deep into his eyes, took a long breath, and said "I love you." He smiled and said that I had ruined his surprise. He was planning to tell me the same thing at that same moment. He pulled out his cell phone and messed with it for a minute, then sighed and said "Oh well. I was going to play a song for you, but it won't work now. Guess I'll just have to sing it to you." And he did. We stood there under the porch light as he sang to me. Then he told me he loved me and couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. It was extremely hard to say goodnight that evening.
We see each other 2 or 3 times a week, but only for short times usually. We talk on the phone every day, averaging about 4 hours per day. Twice we have stayed up talking most of the night. We've discussed everything from movies and music to childbirth. I have also been reading to him from my journal. We've shared lots of tears over that. It's been a great way to open discussions about our past. Our relationship has progressed so quickly that it seems the past 2 months have made up for the past 2 years we were apart. One thing we do not doubt - that time apart and the difficulties we've faced have made our relationship so much more precious!
Gabe told me that always thought he'd be the type of guy that found it hard to say "I love you." He said he figured his girlfriend/wife would say it and he'd respond with "yeah" or "me too" or something like that. But he said he wanted to tell me so bad the first time that he felt his chest would explode if he didn't. He even slipped and almost said it on the phone a few times. He said he can't tell me often enough now. He called me the other day. I picked up the phone and said "hey". He shouted "I love you!" LOL He knows how to keep me smiling.
God is good. Life is beautiful.
EJ 24 December Joyous Christmas!
I've been doing alot of thinking the past few days. About my future. This is the first Christmas I've been able to look at my life and not say "This is exactly where I was last year and exactly where I'll be next year. Again. Still stuck here in the same cycle. Like that ladybug I watched crawling along my bead necklace on the dresser for 3 days... always moving, yet never getting anywhere." This coming year will be very different, I'm sure. In fact, a year ago I would never have imagined I would be where I am now. So many things have changed in the past few months. Life has a way of doing that. Gabe and I were talking about what we bought for each other for Christmas. He was throwing out guesses, and based on my hints he jokingly guessed that I had gotten him a package of batteries. He said that would've made a very memorable gift. Instantly my thoughts became dark and my mind went back to the last Christmas I spent with the guy I almost married 10 years ago. I couldn't find "the perfect gift" so I gave him 12 small gifts and a Christmas card with each one. Each was numbered to be opened 12 consecutive days - the 12 days of Christmas. He told me it was the most memorable gift he'd ever received. He loved it so much that he wanted us both to do it again the next Christmas, and possibly make it a tradition. Then he walked out of my life forever less than a month later. My subconscious doesn't want to think future, doesn't want to plan that far ahead, because of past events such as that. How can one mind contain both the desire to spend a lifetime with someone and the resistance to thinking ahead for fear that those plans may be interrupted? Then I look back and remember times when life seemed to throw a curve ball so to speak. Like when Gabe's dream of joining the military was crushed because of his partial hearing loss, or like when I was crushed by that one guy walking out of my life...... Where would we be right now if those plans had been fulfilled?
In spite of all my deep thoughts and the lurking darkness in my mind, I'm having a really wonderful Christmas season. I've been extremely busy, but trying to take time to enjoy the most wonderful time of the year. I pray that you all have a Christmas filled with joy!
EJ
10 December update on life As I mentioned, I'm living with Gracie. We're sharing a house. Without going into alot of unpleasant details, I'll tell you why. I don't remember if I had told you that I was living with my parents. I'd never had a reason to move out and they wanted me to stay. It allowed me to save money I would've spent on rent. I also mentioned a little while back that I hadn't told my parents that Gabe and I were getting back together. So I told them. They were extremely unhappy. We had a big fight. Like the biggest fight I've ever had with anyone. They wanted me to forget him. They were even more unhappy when I told them it was my decision that I had come to after much much prayer and deep thought, and that I planned to follow through regardless of their opinion. It was hard to talk to them about it without portraying an "in your face" "you can't stop me" attitude. I don't feel that way at all. I just knew in my heart that if I allowed them to sway me, I'd become bitter towards them. A bitterness that might have never gone away. So, as a result, I moved out. I couldn't live in their house with that kind of tension between us, and knowing Gabe wouldn't be welcome there. It was a very difficult step because I'm very close to my family. It was painful to see their disappointment in me. They think I'm ruining my life.
Gracie has been begging me to move in with her ever since she got this house almost 2 years ago. The past month and a half has been great! I couldn't ask for a better roommate. We're so much alike and understand each other so well. So I will probably live there until Gabe and I get married. I don't know how long that will be. We're taking baby steps in our relationship. There are still things to work through, but we're making it.
Life is good!
EJ 03 December strange occurance A couple of weeks ago, I woke up from a dream about a friend I haven't seen or spoken to in almost a year. We've never been close friends, she's not someone I think of often. In my dream, she was very upset - crying, heartbroken, in despair.... I was comforting her. She held on to me for a long time, clinging to me. She kept telling me thank you for being there for her and for helping her. When I woke up, my heart felt very heavy. I couldn't get her off my mind all day. I finally sent her an e-mail saying that she had been on my mind, that I hoped things were going well, and that I'd like to see her again soon. She replied later that day saying all was well except her youngest son had been sick but he was getting better, and that she missed me too. I didn't give it much thought after that.
Ten days after that dream, my parents received a phone call from this friend's husband. Their youngest son, 4 years old, had just been diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor. He is in surgery as I write.
EJ 26 November giving thanksI'm thankful for...
1. a reconciled relationship that I had given up on
2. a man that totally adores me, more than I could ever deserve
3. my best friend Gracie as a roommate
4. a great job
5. a 50 cent raise
6. and a bonus last quarter as big as my paycheck
7. a big brother who is protective and caring
8. a little brother who misses me alot
9. a 1 1/2 year old niece who is quickly becoming very attached to me
10. so many amazing friends
11. a truly amazing God who has shown me time after time that He is at work in my life
Much has taken place in the past month. I'll blog about it soon. My schedule has changed and I no longer have internet at home so it's difficult to find time. I pray that all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
God bless.
EJ 05 November you don't remember me? There's nothing like being all excited about getting back in contact with a friend you haven't seen in 10 years only to hear them say "I don't remember you." I located this guy on facebook. He was on my friend's friends list. I was so happy! We had been good friends when we were teenagers. I sent him a message asking him to add me to his friends list. He sent me a message back saying "I don't remember you, but your name sounds familiar." Uh... gee thanks. I didn't see him often, maybe 3 or 4 times a year. He lived in a different state. But when I visited there, we hung out together alot. I got a little sinking feeling when I read his message. Oh well.... 20 October here we go........... Gabe and I talked. We're back together. It's amazing........... He's more than excited. There's not a word for it. He's bouncing off the walls now! lol Not many people know yet. Gracie and Elizabeth are very happy and very excited for me. My sister looked stunned. My brother is..... well, I think he's happy for me, but concerned. He's very protective. I know he doesn't want to see me hurt again. And he doesn't want to see me end up with the wrong person. My pastor and his wife are also very supportive. I haven't told my parents yet.
So far we've been mostly e-mailing, really long e-mails. We haven't actually started "dating" so to speak. We agreed that we should go slow and take time to get to know each other again. It's been two and a half years.
As for me? I just have this feeling of calm. A feeling of supreme peace. A feeling of yeah.... this is where I belong.
EJ 15 October I decided... ... that I want to get back with Gabe. Am I crazy? All this time, I've tried my hardest to put him out of my mind and heart. But it's just not happening. The only time I came close was when I was to the point of blocking out all emotion (recall my "brick wall" posts). We've been talking more lately when we see each other. (Not like "seeing" each other as in an arranged meeting, but when we run into each other.) For a long time we just said hi in passing and that's about it. But lately we've been having actual conversations. He's different than he was 2 years ago. I'm not the only one who has noticed. His friends have mentioned to me how he's changed. I've changed too. I refused to give it a chance though, because I knew I'd face opposition from some who think he's not right for me. I was so tired of hurting that I didn't want to risk any more emotional pain. No, wait... there's no risk. It's certain. I've been wanting to get back with him really bad. I just felt that it wasn't worth the trouble. About 2 months ago, something got a hold of me and caused me to wake up and stop being so selfish. I decided that I love him enough to deal with opposition. I believe he's worth fighting for. I'm ready to face it. Because I love him. That much.
I've spent the past 2 months in very sincere prayer and Bible study every day. I've fasted and prayed one day each week. I wanted to know beyond any doubt that I'm making the right choice. I wanted God to know that I'm serious about this. God has spoken to my heart about so many things during this time. He has given me such amazing peace deep inside. I've come to the point that I'm ready to tell Gabe and I'm ready to tell everyone else. I'm scared. It's like heading into battle... knowing there'll be pain, knowing there'll be casualties... yet feeling very certain that there will also be victory.
EJ 01 October Ii am: tired
i think: deeply i know: God is able to do exceeding abundantly above all I ask or think i want: a car i have: too much on my mind i wish: my future was clear i hate: making hard decisions i miss: spending time with my friends i fear: failure i feel: drained
i hear: silence
i smell: fresh air i crave: learning i search: for the truth i wonder: often i regret: few things i love: books i ache: inside i care: more than you know i always: smile i am not: what I seem i believe: I can do better i dance: in my heart i sing: when I'm sad
i don't always: do what I should i fight: with myself i write: in my journal i win: in the end - God promised
i lose: myself in a book i never: have enough time i confuse: other people i listen: to my ipod i can usually be found: alone i am scared: of what I might face i need: more faith EJ 18 September the moonI took this pic Sunday night (the night before the actual full moon). Still trying to get the hang of night photography. Anyway, it reminded me of a journal entry from a few years back.
Personal Journal Entry Dated 1-21-03:
Truly the heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament showeth His handiwork! God is so awesome and His creation is marvellous! I'm in total awe right now as I sit looking out the window of the plane. The clouds are below us with an almost full moon shining down. It reminds me of a vast desert stretching as far as the eye can see, the sand rippled from the wind. The surface sparkles as the soft glow of the moon bounces off in every direction. Occasionally, a ray of light peaks through a hole in the clouds, reminding me that the earth still exists beneath that thick blanket.
~later~
When I stepped out of the front door of the airport, I was breathless once again. The snow sparkled like silver glitter falling from the sky. It was the most beautiful snow I've ever seen! I could have stood out there for hours watching it. That's my second favorite thing to do. My first is lying outside looking at the stars, the second is standing outside watching the snow fall all around me. I can't explain the closeness I feel to God when I do those two things. I see His power, and I'm filled with that peace that passes all understanding.
"When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou has ordained; what is man, that thou art mindful of him?" -from Psalm 8
EJ |
a few of my favorite things
on my shelf, begging for attention...
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